1. Two trucks loaded with a thousand copies of Roget's Thesaurus collided as they left a New Hampshire publishing house last week, according to the Associated Press. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, appalled, surprised, shocked, and rattled.

2. A Sign of the Times: The Sharper Image Catalogue shows a company has just come out with a bulletproof briefcase. Is this really necessary? I mean if you're constantly at meetings where people are shooting at you. Don't you think a new strategy is in order, like conference calling??

3. For a list of ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press three.

4. As we move build the bridge to the next century, do you realize you can eat a meal with fake fat, season it with fake salt, wash it down with non-alcoholic beer and even have fake sex on the Internet.

5. Okay so you've heard people complain about the expensive political fund-raising dinners by both Republicans and Democrats. They don't understand. In Washington, the three basic food groups are cash, check and money order.

6. Hello, and welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line, so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

7. I took a lie detester test. No I didn't.

8. An Alabama man finished second in a bible reading contest and got so ticked off, he shot the winner. I guess he lost 'cause he could only come up with 9 commandments

9. An ad in the newspaper the other day caught my eye for emergency essentials. It said "Dehydrated water sale 10-50 percent off. Just add water." My question is: What do you get? Water??

10. My favorite recent headline, found in a senior citizen's paper I get. It says: "Alzheimer's Center prepares for Affair to Remember"

11. A Florida student was recently accused of trying to hire a hit man to kill a secretary and cover up her theft of a law school exam. What do you want to bet it it was a test on legal ethics??

12. When a patient of Jack Kevorkian lives, can he be sued for malpractice??

13. An article in the newspaper recently suggests that car dealers are planning to put food courts in their shops. Do you think people really want that?
"How much is a hamburger?"
"Well what are you willing to pay for a burger?"
"We'll give you the deluxe package. It includes a bun and an optional pickle and mayonnaise."

14. I don't need anything to remind me that I'm getting older. The other day, in my car, the oldies station played a rap record.

15. A man in Eastern Europe spent three years of his life building a 63-foot tall pyramid of Campbell's soup cans. Two days before he finished it, it collapsed and fell on him. I believe his last words were "mm, mm, not good."

16. Why is it when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship its called cargo??

17. A supermarket chain in Ohio now says it is offering its customers the chance to scan their own groceries at the checkout line. They are GIVING us that opportunity.

Doesn't that sound like a job??Weren't they paying someone to do that? What's next the opportunity to cleanup the ketchup spill on Aisle 9??

18. The annual review of American wines is out and it names one California wine that the critics are calling "the perfect breakfast wine" A breakfast wine?? My question is If you're drinking wine for breakfast, do you even care if it's perfect??

19. In France, Carlos the Jackal, one of the world's most notorious terrorists, is suing to keep a book about him off the market. He says the book "damages his reputation" and can prevent him from getting a fair trial. If you go around calling yourself Carlos the Jackal --how good is your reputation anyway? And what does the book say? He's sloppy and has bad penmanship??

20. New Jersey wildlife officials say they plan to reduce the number of Black Bears in half by using contraceptives. I don't care how hard you think your job is, giving contraceptives to bears in the middle of the woods??

 THE LIGHTER SIDE
OF THE INTERNET

 "A common criticism of the Internet is that it is dominated by the crude, the uninformed, the immature, the smug, the untalented, the repetitious, the pathetic, the hostile, the deluded, the self-righteous and the shrill," says veteran newspaperman Dave Barry. "This criticism overlooks the fact that the Internet also offers - for the saavy individual who knows where to look - the tasteless and the borderline insane."